Tired of Dealing with my Self-Confidence Issues

There are always these thoughts in my mind that I get so excited with a plan. In this instance, it's a plan to improve my photography and achieve my dream of being able to get recognition. In my mind, things seem so easy and maybe, just maybe I will be able to achieve this dream.

But then again, I have these feelings at certain times that I may just get my hopes up, and then just as situations in my life end up in disappointment.

Just like my love life. Several times, I get excited, I humble myself and surrender to God. I start to feel good about my dream, then days past and it's just gone. That dream just seem to fizzle out, I really don't know why!

And like my small business, I get excited, I work out a business plan, but then again, I only earn a bit despite my own thinking that I've been successful. But in reality, it's such a small win in the eyes of others. Is it just because I look down on my own success? Or I let other people's standards turn off my fire to easily.

I'm feeling like that again, after a month or so of this project. I hate to be disappointed again. Because honestly, I'm so tired that all my dreams just seem to fizzle out so easily. Am I not working hard enough? Am I so privileged that I feel I can be successful in this world too like others? Don't I deserve this? 

Restarting the Journey: Musings Part Three

Part 3, the OTS Fellowship Night. So ok, another social challenge for me, probably the biggest one. But long story short, I was again proven wrong for having self-confidence related anxieties.

This community is probably the most welcoming group I have ever met. Despite my anxieties, I immediately felt like I belonged. So this makes me think, is this just because I finally found the right group of people or is it just because I didn't want to entertain those opportunities in the past due to my fears.

I had no choice but to volunteer to be the program host for the night, despite not being familiar with it as this was my first time to attend such as event. And my first time after so long to do public speaking. But thankfully, I was not that nervous to be honest and I attribute this to the training that Accenture had given me. I was always very self-conscious and shy when I was young, even when I was in higher education, but due to my job, I was forced to learn and honestly, I am pretty happy of the result. I felt more confident about myself over the years and a lot of the anxieties have gone away, I hope for good. I couldn't imagine myself doing this without my Accenture background. Of course, there were still some anxiousness at first, but knowing that I could do this with at least half an eye closed, I gained that courage to push forward.

I knew that I had to be prepared, I knew that I needed to ask for inputs from others, but when given little, I knew that I needed to just take a stand and incorporate my own style here and it wouldn't really matter. After all, we're all adults here, and not really newbies in a sense waiting for things to fall into your hands, despite being probees. The experiences that life has given me in the past brought me to where I am today and I'm glad and proud I did achieve something in the 5 decades of my life. This was definitely a major improvement in terms of personal development.

A side THOUGHT: speaking of asserting myself, when I assert myself due to this newfound confidence, there's a danger of appearing aggressive and arrogant to others especially when people don't understand you.

Lessons Learned:

• One can avoid projecting aggressiveness and arrogance by changing the communication style. For example, ask for feedback, or share your thoughts and apprehensions with others so that they understand your real intentions but last thing you should do is stay quiet and avoid this opportunity

So, how did my hosting go? Not perfect, but I think I was able to wing it, people did laugh at me and that makes for a more casual ambiance, it doesn't matter if they are laughing because of me or what. I also thank God that a live band was around, and actually drove the energy of the group and let me get away with our simple plan. Anyway, there's always a next time, when and where we can do better.

Lessons Learned:

• Get to know your audience, get feedback for your plans from someone who knows better, run through what you're thinking with them so that you can avoid being surprised
• Always prepare for backup activities
• Be game and learn how to dance and sing, even if not perfect

Restarting the Journey: Musings Part Too

It was a busy few days, from the first monthly meeting to the On-the-Spot Shoot and Fellowship Night, I was fully immersed in my role as a probee and there was no time to recover from the stress of being an introvert exposed to so many people in such a short time.

Soon after the 1st monthly meeting, I had my first on-the-spot shoot at the Ayala Triangle Gardens in Makati, interestingly a place where a major part of my career started, not my first job, but my 1st official office in Makati. It was a good visit back to memory lane and seeing the many changes over the decades.

While on location, I met so many people that knew me but I am so ashamed I couldn't remember their names. Faces did seem familiar, and their quick reactions and smiles when they saw me were there to confirm that I should know them. I guess they can easily identify me since we were introduced several times over viber and during the face to face meetings while it is hard for me to remember all their names.

The shooting activity was okay. At first, I was wary of the fact that I'm shooting with two people who have done this for a long time, and may not be as pressured to get that shot as I am. But I was glad that I joined them especially since it was my first time. Within 5 minutes, one of them had already gotten their shot, and that made me feel pressured. Then we met with others who are also pros, and with similar behavior as the first two, they could afford to take a break and have coffee before they go to work.  But then again it made sense to make use of the downtime while the weather is bad and there's nothing much to shoot yet. They seem to know how to where and when to channel their energy, so I'm glad I joined them and were able to observe this.

Of course, I had to weigh the odds of simply following their lead vs walking on my own, I didn't want to seem like I wanna be too independent or proud to do things on my own but I also don't want to miss being able to explore and learn how to spot things on my own. It was interesting to be aware of this type of thinking, because it may be one of the things that hindered my growth in the past.

While there, I also got the opportunity for someone to provide me on the spot critic, and got some good ideas on how to make things different and special, such as including a human element, and something to give a sense of scale. Very interesting tips indeed. My only concern was whether I had to exert more effort and go the second day, or just live with the first day's output. What if these weren't good enough? I had a little bit of contentment but not without looking through my photos.  The only risk is that I haven't had it vetted yet.

Lessons Learned:

• I know that I have this tendency to keep things to my self, sometimes a bit secretive and maybe a bit selfish to share, building a wall around me. This is something I need to improve on cause basically, I'm just hindering myself from growing. In hindsight, I could have asked one of the experts to show me what he's shooting since we were walking in the same path. Instead, I walked on my own. It's as simple as asking "do you have any tips for me"?
• When being challenged between being able to do things on my own and asking for help, I need to learn how to do this better. after all, I can do both. In the end, the feedback will be useful irregardless and I'll still have the final say. - this is exactly the meaning of humbling down.
• With the new learnings, try to critique my own photos and see how I can improve, ask questions if needed to get outside perspective

Restarting the Journey: Musings

Took that first step, submitted my letter of intent to join a camera club and this where I am now. I got accepted as a probee and I attended my first meeting and joined the first photo contest sponsored by the camera club.

First of all, it was an adjustment to be back in a formal organization. I missed the structure and this surely gave me a shot of excitement to be back. I'm also back in the city where I started my work and this weekend's photo walk would be in the same block where my first job took place. A run down memory lane indeed, but even more excited about the changes that the three decades brought about.

Talking about structure, yes I had to formally submit a letter of intent, fill up an application form, submit a sample of previously shot photos, a visit to observe one of the monthly meetings, and finally an interview with the board of directors.  Long story short, I got accepted as a probee.

But the challenge doesn't stop here. I still have to meet eligibility requirements to become a member within a 2-year period, attend the monthly meetings, achieve a certain number of contest points, participate in other club activities such as exhibits, join photowalks locally and out of country, and do the mundane probee stuff that all probees do. Yesterday I learned to make the cutest blue-tak balls, and now I've been prodded to volunteer to be a program host for a regular event that I haven't even attended in the past. That's just a start! But honestly, I am pretty excited to do all these as I'm starting :-)

So how did my first meeting go?  It was great, I introduced myself and mentioned a bit about my previous work and company. I got to talk to a couple of folks who knew about Accenture, and even Andersen Consulting back in the days. It was interesting.

As for the photo contest, I get to submit 2 entries with the theme called "curves ahead."  I took one of the shots in Tagaytay after I learned of the theme, made a bit of effort to shoot it, and the other shot I digged up from my "baul" or archives. My recent shot got a 3.5 out of a 5 score which is a passing grade, but my older photo got a 2.8 out of 5 score which is a failing grade. Not so much that I didn't expect this, but I was just happy I was not the only one who had a failed entry. In fact, I was telling one of my mentors that as soon as I saw the photos of others being posted, I knew my entry wasn't going to make it despite hoping it would at least get a passing mark.

Thoughts in my mind: I didn't ask for help first because I want to know how I select photos now so that I can see what's wrong. And because of this, I intentionally didn't ask for help on my first try, although I know that the other club members are very much willing to help even in providing feedback, providing tips, helping select photos and even helping to edit and post process the photos.

Things I learned:

• Never be content too early, do a bit more work and spend more effort to get the best shot. Don't be lazy, success comes from hard work.
• Ask for help, after all that's what I am here for. Admittedly, I intentionally didn't ask for folks to review my entries even after they mentioned it's ok. Because I also wanted to understand my own selection process and thinking and maybe in the next round, I get to find out what I've been doing wrong.
• Don't be afraid to fail, don't be afraid of criticism
• Learn from others, understand why and what makes a good photo, ask!

My Photography Journey: Dreams and Challenges

No doubt I enjoy photography. Imagine, I bought my first DSLR back in 2008, so why am I still an amateur or maybe not even, maybe just a beginner?

I see other folks excelling in this field in such a short time. I envy their creative minds, unique perspectives, and every one of their photos just seem to have that "wow" factor. I've been to many places to shoot, I've attended photography workshops, tried many photography techniques, joined many photography trips, but yet, I'm not good at what I do.

Especially lately, I feel like I've lost my focus on the subjects and themes I wanna capture. It used to be easy, I shoot when I travel, I see beautiful sceneries or eye popping backgrounds and I want to capture them all, but that is precisely what is wrong, I only aim to capture the scene, but not the experience, the emotions, nor the story.

The thing is I am aware that I'm not good at it, but I also have no idea what is wrong and what I should be doing to change the outcome. Doing this on my own isn't going to help, so I decided to take steps. I've attended photography courses to learn the technical side, I've watched youtube videos for many tips, I've joined many photography trips which gave me the opportunity to learn and shoot better, and yet there's something missing.

Many years ago, when I started joining photography trips, I got some exposure to being on print, on the web and on TV.  My first shot at fame were 2 photos I submitted to CNN's ireport program. My photo of the white albino snails in Itbayat, Batanes, got featured on TV as part of a feature news and a friend saw it on TV. And my photo of the colorful houses in Burano Island reflected on the canal waters, was selected as CNN's photo of the day. I was thrilled of course, and it gave me the push to further my photography journey.

Then I got some photos on print as part of a feature article which talked about these trips in general. Our best shot was selected to be included. I knew that the selection of my photo is not necessarily selected for its merit alone, but just by being part of the workshop, I get to show my best shot which in reality, could make a mediocre shot in the real world. But it didn't matter to me, it was still an opportunity and it make me enjoy my journey even further.

The photo trips weren't as easy as some people would think. It wasn't really vacation, it was more of a learning experience. I got to experience my first critic sessions, learned to overcome my shyness and got the courage to interact and shoot people I encounter, learned how to shoot unexpected scenes when the weather does not cooperate, and many other tips and techniques as well.

But then pandemic happened and everything came to a full stop. Although this was part of the reason, I kinda felt that my focus was already all around the place before the pandemic. And the break surely made things worse. I still tried to spend my time doing different photography exercises while confined at home such as macro, bubble photography, miniature people photography, and all sorts of techniques to try out.

Then one year while out on a photo trip, my photo trip buddy invited me to join a camera club. But you see, I never really entertained the option since first of all, I was still a bit busy with work. Then when I was not so busy anymore, I felt intimidated to join one since I feel that it's more for the boys and it's more for the pros. Seems so much competition plus being an introvert, I can be anti-social. Although I was told that I would probably fit well with the group due to similar range of age, and quite a number of female photographers who have a similar profile.  It had to be a perfect solution for all my hesitations, right? And yet, I brushed it away.

A year ago, I got this 2nd invite from another photo trip buddy and even back then, I hesitated... again. I made excuses for being busy, but I knew it was more because I am anti-social. Yes, this has always been a challenge for me.

But this year, after much prodding, I felt a bit ashamed and guilty that I was again trying to make excuses. I so appreciated her invite to shoot together, camera club or not cause I realized that I needed that push. Plus my realization that I needed to change and improve my ways to be able to achieve something. I also felt very welcome even before I seriously thought about joining. I got to meet more members on a casual basis and I felt it was a nice and interesting community that I would love to be part of. I admit I felt excited. And so I made a decision, and felt nothing was going to stop me. I submitted my letter of intent... finally!

It's always been a dream to be a good photographer, and to win a photo contest, or get exhibited and published is just the validation I needed to be considered one. But I also realized that my fears have been blocking my growth and I'm the only person that can change that.

Top Five Enhancements In-Camera For Better Looking Photos

When I first started, I had no idea where to begin.  I tried reading the camera manual to no avail.  Well, I fell asleep after a few pages!  Anyway, the issue is not laziness nor lack of interest.  But the way a camera manual is designed does not teach you how to apply those settings in real life.  Yes, it teaches you how to set it, adjust it, and tells you just a bit about what it controls.  But nothing about how you can apply it in your photography.  In fact, a lot of photography books and courses are designed that way, creating a longer learning curve for beginners.

So, I find myself shooting and mastering ISO, aperture, shutter speeds, white balance, but I still find myself producing ugly looking pictures, far from those I've seen pros do.  Well, of course, I can't compare myself to the pros, but even some friends of mine who shoot more have better looking photos directly out of their camera.  So this is what I found out, only after years of learning and trial and errors.

So you shoot in JPG or maybe you even attempt to shoot RAW with JPG.  You compare your shots with your friend's shots on his/her camera.  You find your photos much duller and you blame in on your LCD.  You download your photos to your computer, view them, and find them even worse than in your LCD.  You load your photos into Facebook anyway, and find that the color of your photo on Facebook differs from the color on your PC.  You get frustrated and you think about throwing away your DSLR ;-)

Well, here are my top 5 settings that I use to enhance my photos that come out directly from the camera.  Basically, the JPG files that you download to your PC. By the way, the terms are based on Nikon cameras.

1. Picture Control - I find my photos to be too dull.  It is a personal preference, but if you'd like your photo to look vibrant and vivid, like capturing the blue of the sky and the green of the grass, then set your Picture Control to Vivid.  Normally, for landscape, it is recommended to set to Vivid and for portraits, it is recommended to use Natural to keep the skin pinkish and natural.  I set my default to Vivid though for all my photos, including portraits and just adjust it for individual photos if needed.  I've rarely had to do it though.  So no more dull photos.
2. Noise Reduction for ISO - Set noise reduction to High.  When you shoot a high ISO ratings during the night for example, the photo gets grainier, sort of like dots or blotches that appear.  It is a normal behavior of High ISO.  So to me, I'd like to call it a "side effect."  Just like taking medication may be good for one condition, but causes side effects that are not so positive.  This is the case with ISO.  So there is  setting to use so that it auto corrects that side effect to a certain extent.
3. Noise Reduction for Long Exposure - some cameras may not have this setting, but if you have it, then you can also set noise reduction to ON.  If you shoot long exposures (shutter speed slower than a second for example), you let more light in, as a result, noise also increases.  Again, a side effect.  So this setting is also used to auto correct this side effect.
4. Active D-Lighting - this is a setting where you can set to Auto or High.  This is usual with those shots outdoor that has a very bright sky in the background then the land in front is too dark.  Setting Active D-Lighting will try to balance out the bright sky and dark land by adjusting the highlights and shadow.  Don't expect it to be a large adjustment, that will require a more complex process, but it does help in most situations.
5. Auto Distortion Control - Set this to yes.  If you notice that when you shoot a building or something with a straight edge, the photo comes out a bit distorted, meaning the straight edge or horizon for example comes out a bit rounded.  This is irritating and sometimes the distortion is too much that your photo no longer looks good.  This is a "defect" if you want to call it that, of the lens.  Because you are shooting through a glass or lens, just like a window on the bus for that matter, it will not be 100%.  This setting simply corrects this defect and you get photos that are close to perfect.

Note that these settings affect the JPG file only (not RAW) because what the camera does is capture a photo as is, save it in RAW without any adjustments then process the enhancements above and output to JPG. If you shoot in JPG only, the RAW file gets deleted by your camera.

For the most part, this is good enough for sharing with friends and family on social media or even the usual 3R, 4R or 5R prints as well as keeping memories of your travels on your personal archive.

My Cheat Sheet: ISO

This is my own cheat sheet for setting my ISO, something I created for my own use.  Generally, I'd use ISO 100-400 outdoors during the day and go ISO 1600 and above indoors or in the evenings outdoor, then fine-tune according to the actual conditions.

The biggest drawback of using high ISO ratings is noise.  Your photo turns out grainy starting at ISO 1600.  Some camera models do better than others in terms of noise reduction, but this is a general behavior.

ISO Setting	Conditions
100	Lots of Light, Sunny Day, Outdoors
	Evening – with tripod for long exposures
200	A Bit Cloudy, But Still Bright, Outdoors
400	Overcast, Outdoors
800	Bright, Indoors (Indoor places with Big Bright Lights like Chinese Restaurants, Hotel Ballroom, etc)
	Dawn or Dusk, Outdoors (after Sunrise or close to Sunset)
1600	Warm Lighting, Indoors (Well Lighted Restaurants & Rooms)
	Well Lighted, Evening, Outdoors – with no tripod
3200	Poor Light, Indoors (Restaurant Lounges)
	Poorly Lighted, Evening, Outdoors – with no tripod
6400	Very Poor Light, Indoors (Clubs, Shows)
	Poorly Lighted, Evening, Outdoors – with no tripod

 * Nikon D60 only has ISO settings to 1600 then HI is set to ISO 3200.  Some new models to day can even go ISO 12,800 or higher

During my practice, I've tried to fix my ISO first based on my guidelines then adjust my aperture and shutter speeds.  This meant that sometimes, I would reach the thresholds where I could no longer get the right exposure.  Let's say I set my ISO to 1600 because I'm in a room with poor lighting, get the aperture to go the widest my lens could do like F3.5 and then adjust my shutter speed.  To get the right exposure, I will need to push my shutter speed to open the longest therefore, the slower side, below 1 second for example.  As a result, my photo because I could not hold my hand steady or there is movement in my subject.

Basically, we just got to face it.  The conditions are sometimes just too complex for my camera equipment.  And this is one example of maximizing my equipment till the time I find it is no longer sufficient for the type of photos that I'd like to shoot.  Then, maybe I'll upgrade.  But there is always one challenge that plague us, the cost of upgrading.  In the meantime, I can still shoot comfortably as these conditions are rare for me, and on the other hand, I could try to be resourceful and find other workarounds.

It's great to learn this way as you force to practice with the limitations and you practice your problem solving by finding other ways to resolve these challenges.  For example, I could try to push my ISO to HI, 3200 in D60, and just do noise reduction in post processing.  For the issue of lack of steadiness, it could be addressed by using a tripod.  And the issue of the moving subject, I could probably add lighting to my subject among other solutions.  I could even try to capture that moment where the subject will pause for at least a second or two by practicing my anticipation skills.  There are a lot of information on the web as well so use it.